Social Skills Can Be Learned

Sylvia Rimm
Sat, 12 Mar 2016 21:00:00 -0800
Lifestyle

Q: My 11-year-old daughter is an only child and has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, as well as some processing disorders. She has just started attending an excellent clinical school that specializes in dealing with her learning differences. She is very happy at her new school, and we've seen her self-confidence really improve.

What we are struggling with are her pragmatic social issues. She is very extroverted (constantly seeking company), but she doesn't read body language and gets crushed frequently when approaching other kids. She can't maintain friendships and feels a combination of shock, hurt and rejection when other kids think she's too much. She's in a social skills group at school, but we'd like guidance from you on what else we could do so she becomes more aware of how she comes across to other people.

A: You've made two excellent steps in the correct direction — attending a clinical school to assist your daughter with her disorders as well as participating in a social skills group will both be very helpful to her. There are two other suggestions that I can make that could be effective.
Updated: Sun Mar 13, 2016

Q: My 11-year-old daughter is an only child and has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, as well as some processing disorders. She has just started attending an excellent clinical school that specializes in dealing with her learning differences. She is very happy at her new school, and we've seen her self-confidence really improve.

What we are struggling with are her pragmatic social issues. She is very extroverted (constantly seeking company), but she doesn't read body language and gets crushed frequently when approaching other kids. She can't maintain friendships and feels a combination of shock, hurt and rejection when other kids think she's too much. She's in a social skills group at school, but we'd like guidance from you on what else we could do so she becomes more aware of how she comes across to other people.

A: You've made two excellent steps in the correct direction — attending a clinical school to assist your daughter with her disorders as well as participating in a social skills group will both be very helpful to her. There are two other suggestions that I can make that could be effective.

First, both Free Spirit and American Girl Publishers have multiple books that are quite useful for assisting girls in developing social skills. They are girl friendly and take into consideration how important social skills are to a girl's self-concept. My book, "See Jane Win for Girls" (Free Spirit Publishing, 2003), also has sections on self-esteem building and getting along with other girls, with a discussion guide for parents to engage in with their daughters. I think you would enjoy this and your daughter would benefit from sharing the book with you.

My second recommendation will seem more surprising. If your daughter already has a dog as a pet, you can point out to her how her dog backs away if strangers are too aggressive even when the strangers only intend to be friendly. If strangers approach the dog more slowly, the dog becomes friendlier and enjoys the attention. It seems instinctive for both animals and people to back away if they are approached too aggressively. If she uses that observation to understand that her coming on too strongly to other kids will cause them to back away, she may be able to recognize her need to be more casual and to act less needy when making friends. Also, if she does have a dog, she could learn a great deal about her own social skills by taking the dog to obedience training. I know this is surprising, but pet obedience training can really teach tweens and teens confidence, patience, appropriate behavior and even social skills. Your daughter is fortunate to have a tuned in mother on her side as she navigates this confusing time of life.

For free newsletters about See Jane Win for Girls, how pets can help children, and/or developing good social skills, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope and a note identifying the topic for each newsletter to address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.