Difficult Relations After Divorce

Sylvia Rimm
Tue, 01 Mar 2016 21:00:00 -0800
Lifestyle

Q: I am a divorced mother of a 13-year-old son and a 9-year-old daughter. My ex-husband has recently remarried a woman with one child of her own, a daughter who is 12-years-old. I was not the one who caused our marriage to end, and now I am ordered by a judge to be without my children two weekends every month when they must stay at their father's house.

My son has brought to my attention that their father's wife acts unkindly toward my daughter when their father is not present. It is my understanding that she often ignores my daughter or glares at her when she asks for a drink or food to eat at their house. My daughter is very clingy with me when she arrives home on Sunday evenings after being at her father's for the weekend and now I know why. Mine and my children's lives have been turned upside down through this divorce and I don't even know where to begin in addressing this new situation. How can I knowingly let my daughter go to her father's house when she is being treated poorly by his new wife?

A: I am sorry for the feelings of rejection that you and your children must be experiencing at this time and I do hope you all are receiving counseling. While I can't be involved in the judgement that allows your ex-husband to have visitation with his children, I can tell you that all three children are no doubt suffering some very difficult parent and sibling relationships.
Updated: Wed Mar 02, 2016

Q: I am a divorced mother of a 13-year-old son and a 9-year-old daughter. My ex-husband has recently remarried a woman with one child of her own, a daughter who is 12-years-old. I was not the one who caused our marriage to end, and now I am ordered by a judge to be without my children two weekends every month when they must stay at their father's house.

My son has brought to my attention that their father's wife acts unkindly toward my daughter when their father is not present. It is my understanding that she often ignores my daughter or glares at her when she asks for a drink or food to eat at their house. My daughter is very clingy with me when she arrives home on Sunday evenings after being at her father's for the weekend and now I know why. Mine and my children's lives have been turned upside down through this divorce and I don't even know where to begin in addressing this new situation. How can I knowingly let my daughter go to her father's house when she is being treated poorly by his new wife?

A: I am sorry for the feelings of rejection that you and your children must be experiencing at this time and I do hope you all are receiving counseling. While I can't be involved in the judgement that allows your ex-husband to have visitation with his children, I can tell you that all three children are no doubt suffering some very difficult parent and sibling relationships.

While I'm sure you don't have compassionate feelings about your husband's new wife, and I don't blame you for that, please consider that as a single mom with an only child, she no doubt had a very close, exclusive relationship with her daughter. The 12-year-old may feel entirely dethroned and angry about her mother's remarriage and even angrier and jealous that she has to put up with a 9-year-old step sister every two weeks. The mother likely feels very protective of her own daughter and not very welcoming to yours. That is an incredibly difficult dilemma for your daughter. Explaining this to her will not provide a resolution to the problem, but it can at least help your daughter to not feel so terribly rejected by her father's new wife.

The best way to handle this would be for your daughter's counselor to meet with your ex-husband and his new wife, to suggest that at least part of each visitation weekend should be for your ex to spend time with only his two children and allow his wife some time alone with her daughter. All parents will need to be sensitive to allowing time for the children to adjust to the blended family. The counselor could even suggest some collaborative activities to allow the three children to bond and for the new wife to initiate some positive interactions with your daughter.

Normal sibling relationships between full sisters or brothers this close in age can be quite competitive. We usually assume if they get along well 50-percent of time, that's reasonable. During family blending, the experience can be difficult for all children, although with patience and time, the two girls could become good friends and the mother could actually learn to be kind to your daughter.

I have no easy answer, but your daughter will definitely need support during this difficult time. Hopefully counseling will prevent her from feeling rejected by her father and her stepmother.

For free newsletters or articles entitled The Effects of Sibling Competition, Only Children, and/or Helping Your Children Cope With Divorce, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.