Daughter Competes With Mom

Sylvia Rimm
Sat, 23 Jan 2016 21:00:00 -0800
Lifestyle

Q: What can you do when your daughter competes against you instead of seeing you as the role model? She often accuses me of being "perfect."

A: I don't know for sure what is causing the competition between you and your daughter, so I'm only making guesses based on experiences with other families. There could be one of two likely dynamics taking place. If she accuses you of being perfect, your daughter is probably feeling pressured to be perfect. She could be feeling that no matter what she does, she'll receive criticism from either you or her dad, but more likely from you. That doesn't necessarily mean that she's putting forth any real effort. As a matter of fact, sometimes the pressure to be perfect results in procrastination and other avoidance behaviors that appear to be quite opposite from effort. She could be saying to herself "there isn't any sense in trying because I'll never meet my mom's standards anyway." It doesn't necessarily mean that your standards are too high or unrealistic, but she may think they are. Sometimes, those unrealistic high standards originate in too much high early praise. Praise that you give to children communicates your values and expectations to them.

The second likely dynamic that causes daughters to compete with their mothers is parenting that isn't united. That competition is initiated when dads are easier on their daughters than mothers in a manner that permits the girls to learn to manipulate their dads against their mothers. The victory that comes with daughter getting dad on her side in opposition to mother encourages the competition. The daughter basically competes with mom to get dad's attention. That may remind you of what Sigmund Freud described many years ago as the Oedipus and Electra complexes.
Updated: Sun Jan 24, 2016

Q: What can you do when your daughter competes against you instead of seeing you as the role model? She often accuses me of being "perfect."

A: I don't know for sure what is causing the competition between you and your daughter, so I'm only making guesses based on experiences with other families. There could be one of two likely dynamics taking place. If she accuses you of being perfect, your daughter is probably feeling pressured to be perfect. She could be feeling that no matter what she does, she'll receive criticism from either you or her dad, but more likely from you. That doesn't necessarily mean that she's putting forth any real effort. As a matter of fact, sometimes the pressure to be perfect results in procrastination and other avoidance behaviors that appear to be quite opposite from effort. She could be saying to herself "there isn't any sense in trying because I'll never meet my mom's standards anyway." It doesn't necessarily mean that your standards are too high or unrealistic, but she may think they are. Sometimes, those unrealistic high standards originate in too much high early praise. Praise that you give to children communicates your values and expectations to them.

The second likely dynamic that causes daughters to compete with their mothers is parenting that isn't united. That competition is initiated when dads are easier on their daughters than mothers in a manner that permits the girls to learn to manipulate their dads against their mothers. The victory that comes with daughter getting dad on her side in opposition to mother encourages the competition. The daughter basically competes with mom to get dad's attention. That may remind you of what Sigmund Freud described many years ago as the Oedipus and Electra complexes.

If the description I've given is familiar, your husband can help shift your daughter from competing with you to emulation of you as a role model by first supporting your positions with your daughter. That will take some compromising as he becomes firmer and you become less strict, and you're both feeling reasonable about requests and expectations. If your husband talks to your daughter privately about how much he admires and respects you and how much she can learn from you, your daughter may indeed shift from competing and arguing with you to respecting and admiring you. She may actually be willing to learn from you. He could add to that conversation discussion of how much both of you love your daughter. You'll need to avoid becoming too negative with your daughter or she may feel that she is unloved and misunderstood by both of you.

I describe the rituals that cause these problems as ogre and dummy games in my books "How to Parent So Children Will Learn" (Great Potential Press, 2008) and "Why Bright Kids Get Poor Grades" (Great Potential Press, 2008). For newsletters on how parents can stay united and respectful or about how parents can be good role models, send a self-addressed stamped envelope to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.