There Is Hope For 4-Year-Old

Sylvia Rimm
Sat, 30 Jan 2016 21:00:00 -0800
Lifestyle

Q: My niece and her ex-husband share joint custody of their very intelligent and very stubborn 4-year-old daughter. While my niece very tries very hard to set boundaries and consistent discipline for her daughter, her efforts are sabotaged by the ex-husband who always gives in to the little girl and does not discipline her. I think he is just lazy. It doesn't help that her grandmother (the ex's mother) also spoils the child. The little girl told her mother (my niece) that she is the "parent who always says 'No!'" Now the child is misbehaving and acting mean to her mother (pulling her hair and kicking her). I know it's not the child's fault because she is receiving mixed messages, but I can see that the child's mother is becoming worn down.

Unfortunately, my niece and her daughter must share a bedroom so maybe this intimacy prevents my niece from establishing more authority. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

A: Your sad after divorce story is all too familiar to me, and I doubt that you or anyone else will be able to change the outcome if the father and grandmother are not interested in working as a team with the mother. While children need plenty of love and good fun, they also need to gradually learn about responsibilities and to respect boundaries. Children will only learn to respect boundaries if parents agree upon what they are first. If a child has boundaries in one environment and none in a second environment, they become confused and assume that boundaries are unfair, and are likely to resent the parent who sets them. While rules don't have to be precisely the same in both environments, they all need to be reasonably similar. It is impossible for me to say whether the girl's mother is saying "no" too often or the father is saying "yes" too often, but the difference will teach the child to manipulate the father against the mother and she will become overempowered and expect to have things go her way at all times. Ideally, the parents should talk over their guidelines and compromise on their rules and decisions in a unified manner so that their daughter respects both parents as well as her grandmother. If all adults involved in parenting work with a counselor, they should be able to come to some reasonable agreements about guidelines so neither parent will be considered the "yes" or "no" parent.
Updated: Sun Jan 31, 2016

Q: My niece and her ex-husband share joint custody of their very intelligent and very stubborn 4-year-old daughter. While my niece very tries very hard to set boundaries and consistent discipline for her daughter, her efforts are sabotaged by the ex-husband who always gives in to the little girl and does not discipline her. I think he is just lazy. It doesn't help that her grandmother (the ex's mother) also spoils the child. The little girl told her mother (my niece) that she is the "parent who always says 'No!'" Now the child is misbehaving and acting mean to her mother (pulling her hair and kicking her). I know it's not the child's fault because she is receiving mixed messages, but I can see that the child's mother is becoming worn down.

Unfortunately, my niece and her daughter must share a bedroom so maybe this intimacy prevents my niece from establishing more authority. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

A: Your sad after divorce story is all too familiar to me, and I doubt that you or anyone else will be able to change the outcome if the father and grandmother are not interested in working as a team with the mother. While children need plenty of love and good fun, they also need to gradually learn about responsibilities and to respect boundaries. Children will only learn to respect boundaries if parents agree upon what they are first. If a child has boundaries in one environment and none in a second environment, they become confused and assume that boundaries are unfair, and are likely to resent the parent who sets them. While rules don't have to be precisely the same in both environments, they all need to be reasonably similar. It is impossible for me to say whether the girl's mother is saying "no" too often or the father is saying "yes" too often, but the difference will teach the child to manipulate the father against the mother and she will become overempowered and expect to have things go her way at all times. Ideally, the parents should talk over their guidelines and compromise on their rules and decisions in a unified manner so that their daughter respects both parents as well as her grandmother. If all adults involved in parenting work with a counselor, they should be able to come to some reasonable agreements about guidelines so neither parent will be considered the "yes" or "no" parent.

The bedroom situation is not ideal, but can be dealt with if it's a necessity. Ideally, they should not regularly share the same bed, and the daughter should go to bed earlier than her mother. The great risk for the child is if her mother treats her in a too adult-like fashion. She will assume she has equal rights with her mother to make all her own choices. Your niece is surely going through a difficult struggle and hopefully she is at least getting counseling.

For free newsletters or articles entitled A United Front, Helping Your Children Cope With Divorce and/or The Dos and Don'ts of Grandparenting, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.