Capable Preschooler Refuses to Talk

Sylvia Rimm
Tue, 26 Jan 2016 21:00:00 -0800
Lifestyle

Q. My 4 1/2-year-old son refuses to speak to other adults when his father or I are present. He talks to his teachers while at preschool, his friends and parents of his friends. He's very intelligent and knows all his letter sounds and how to read simple words. He did all these spontaneously. He recently had a kindergarten screening and refused to speak with the test administrator, even though I was in a different room. In order to get him into a decent school, he needs to talk to other adults his father and I deem as safe! What can we do?

A. When children refuse to talk to some people in some places but speak spontaneously and well to others at other times, that problem is usually referred to as selective mutism. It can be a very frustrating issue for the adults who care for them, as well as for the child. Typically this problem takes place with young, rather than mature children, so it's difficult for them to explain the reason for their choices. They may not even understand the reasons themselves, and even afterward, when they begin talking to others, the reasons for the temporary problem are hardly ever stated.

I can make some suggestions to you that have been successful for other children, but if your son doesn't change his habits soon, you should go to a psychologist for help.
Updated: Wed Jan 27, 2016

Q. My 4 1/2-year-old son refuses to speak to other adults when his father or I are present. He talks to his teachers while at preschool, his friends and parents of his friends. He's very intelligent and knows all his letter sounds and how to read simple words. He did all these spontaneously. He recently had a kindergarten screening and refused to speak with the test administrator, even though I was in a different room. In order to get him into a decent school, he needs to talk to other adults his father and I deem as safe! What can we do?

A. When children refuse to talk to some people in some places but speak spontaneously and well to others at other times, that problem is usually referred to as selective mutism. It can be a very frustrating issue for the adults who care for them, as well as for the child. Typically this problem takes place with young, rather than mature children, so it's difficult for them to explain the reason for their choices. They may not even understand the reasons themselves, and even afterward, when they begin talking to others, the reasons for the temporary problem are hardly ever stated.

I can make some suggestions to you that have been successful for other children, but if your son doesn't change his habits soon, you should go to a psychologist for help.

First and foremost, don't discuss your son's problem with other adults within his hearing. For some reason, the more children hear about their not talking, the less likely they seem to be able to change the habit. Secondly, if per chance, he does speak out when you or his dad are present, don't call attention to it or praise him for it. Instead, just treat it naturally.

If your son signals that he wants something, don't give it to him unless he asks for it. If he continues signaling, explain that you don't understand unless he uses his words. Then walk away and ignore his signals until he uses words.

For the purpose of testing for kindergarten, meet before the test with the school personnel to explain the problem. Bring with you stickers that you are sure he'll like. M & M's will also work, but the use of candy is more controversial. If your son won't answer questions, ask the teacher to give him a sticker for every answer whether it's right or wrong. Once he gets started, he may no longer need the stickers. Getting started seems to be the hard part.

After all his pre-kindergarten testing is over, you could try a point system for encouraging him to talk when you're around. He can write the points on a calendar for each day he talks when you or his dad are in the room, or if he prefers that you write them on the calendar, that will also work. Don't overpraise or talk a lot about his points, but tell him that you'll buy him a gift when he's earned ten points. Point systems don't work forever, but by the time you've bought him two or three small gifts, he'll likely have forgotten that he didn't talk when you were present. All this will usually work if you don't do much talking about his issue within his hearing and if nothing more serious is taking place, in which case, as I've already advised, do get further help.

For free newsletters entitled How to Parent So Children Will Learn, Raising Preschoolers, or about referential talk, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.