Asperger's Young Man Needs Friends His Age

Sylvia Rimm
Sat, 05 Mar 2016 21:00:00 -0800
Lifestyle

Q: My neighbors' son is 14-years-old and has Asperger's Syndrome. He gets along better with kids younger than himself, and there have been times when he has come over unannounced when my daughter's young friends are here and joins them in whatever they're doing. When he does this, I always make him leave because I'm not comfortable with a boy his age playing with them. His parents asked if I would reconsider, but I said no, and I advised them to look into a program where he could be with other teenagers who may also suffer from Asperger's Syndrome.

Now here's the thing I don't tell anyone - I have Asperger's myself! When I was 14, I also got along better with younger children, and this wasn't always good. It kept me from learning how to talk to people and develop age-appropriate social skills. As an adult, I found groups for adults with Asperger's, and it's made my life easier. As a 34-year-old, I still get along better with younger people, but the average female college student doesn't want a 34-year-old woman hanging out with them. It may work when you're 14 and the kid is 7, because the 7-year-old is usually happy to have attention from older kids.

Should I should accommodate this boy, or stand my ground and say no?
Updated: Sun Mar 06, 2016

Q: My neighbors' son is 14-years-old and has Asperger's Syndrome. He gets along better with kids younger than himself, and there have been times when he has come over unannounced when my daughter's young friends are here and joins them in whatever they're doing. When he does this, I always make him leave because I'm not comfortable with a boy his age playing with them. His parents asked if I would reconsider, but I said no, and I advised them to look into a program where he could be with other teenagers who may also suffer from Asperger's Syndrome.

Now here's the thing I don't tell anyone - I have Asperger's myself! When I was 14, I also got along better with younger children, and this wasn't always good. It kept me from learning how to talk to people and develop age-appropriate social skills. As an adult, I found groups for adults with Asperger's, and it's made my life easier. As a 34-year-old, I still get along better with younger people, but the average female college student doesn't want a 34-year-old woman hanging out with them. It may work when you're 14 and the kid is 7, because the 7-year-old is usually happy to have attention from older kids.

Should I should accommodate this boy, or stand my ground and say no?

A: You are appropriate in redirecting your 14-year-old neighbor to friends his own age. No 7-year-old girls need 14 year-old-boys — Asperger's or otherwise — as regular playmates and your primary concern needs to be the well-being of your daughter and her friends. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with some general family supervised activities that involve him with your own children, their relationship should be limited to just that.

Some social group therapy can be very helpful to those diagnosed with Asperger's Disorder since a key characteristic of those children, as you well know, is their poor social understanding. You take the risk, however, of alienating your neighbors by suggesting therapeutic groups to them. They have no doubt heard that recommendation before and have either tried that route or are resistant to the idea. On the other hand, encouraging the boy to search out friends who share his interests is a safe direction for advising any young person and is usually very effective with ASD children. In that way, his parents won't be offended and the boy is likely to become involved with boys who like computers, Legos, technological activities or any one of a large number of hobbies enjoyed by a mix of ASD kids and very normal other boys. There are always some physically immature boys at 14 who don't participate in the advanced social scene this boy is probably not ready for, and may never be interested in.

For free newsletters about extracurricular activities, learning disorders, gender issues and/or social skills, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.