Child's Rudeness Receives Attention

Sylvia Rimm
Sat, 20 Feb 2016 21:00:00 -0800
Lifestyle

Q: I have a 4-year-old daughter who I would not label as shy, but she seems to have a difficult time acknowledging any adult of my acquaintance whom she does not already know that tries to speak to her in a store or at my workplace, etc. When adults try to engage her by complimenting her dress or by asking her a question, she often looks away or down at her feet with a frown on her face and won't answer them. The adult then looks to me for an explanation. I don't know what to say other than she is shy around people she does not know. I realize she is only four, but I find this behavior to border on rudeness because I know she is not a shy child. I even talk with her before going someplace where adults will want to meet her that she needs to be a nice girl. It doesn't often work.

I am hoping you can provide me with some tips on how to help my daughter overcome this shyness around friendly adults who should not present a threat to her.

A: Your daughter's behavior is a bit puzzling, but I believe you can change it rather easily. Your observations that she is indeed not a shy child are helpful, although even if she were, this would still be a relatively easy behavior to change. I think she has accidentally and unconsciously discovered that her poor social behavior attracts attention and thus she repeats it. It is certainly easier for her not to say hello than act appropriately, and she may actually not feel as confident about the correct way to respond, as you believe she already should.
Updated: Sun Feb 21, 2016

Q: I have a 4-year-old daughter who I would not label as shy, but she seems to have a difficult time acknowledging any adult of my acquaintance whom she does not already know that tries to speak to her in a store or at my workplace, etc. When adults try to engage her by complimenting her dress or by asking her a question, she often looks away or down at her feet with a frown on her face and won't answer them. The adult then looks to me for an explanation. I don't know what to say other than she is shy around people she does not know. I realize she is only four, but I find this behavior to border on rudeness because I know she is not a shy child. I even talk with her before going someplace where adults will want to meet her that she needs to be a nice girl. It doesn't often work.

I am hoping you can provide me with some tips on how to help my daughter overcome this shyness around friendly adults who should not present a threat to her.

A: Your daughter's behavior is a bit puzzling, but I believe you can change it rather easily. Your observations that she is indeed not a shy child are helpful, although even if she were, this would still be a relatively easy behavior to change. I think she has accidentally and unconsciously discovered that her poor social behavior attracts attention and thus she repeats it. It is certainly easier for her not to say hello than act appropriately, and she may actually not feel as confident about the correct way to respond, as you believe she already should.

Before the next time you expect her to meet with social guests, explain to her exactly how you would like her to say hello to them or to respond to their questions. Then practice with her as if you were a guest and make that into a fun game by pretending you are an enthusiastic guest complimenting her on her very nice manners. After a little theater rehearsal (role-playing) and laughter together, get her ready for the main stage event. If she seems ready and enthusiastic, tell her you will give her a private "thumbs up" each time she is a star. That may be all you need to do to change her unpleasant habit. If she needs a little further motivation, you can offer her a special sticker for each successful adult encounter where she behaves in a polite manner. Also, you can remind her of how proud you are of her very grown-up behavior.

For free newsletters/articles entitled How Are Your Children's Social Skills?, and/or Habits: The Best of Servants and the Worst of Masters, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.