Grandmother Worries About Only Grandchild

Sylvia Rimm
Tue, 23 Feb 2016 21:00:00 -0800
Lifestyle

Q: Our daughter and son-in-law, who live in another state, are "raising" their only child, our only grandchild. He is a bright, sweet and sensitive 11-year-old who plays hockey and baseball and loves nature, but struggles in school. He is in 6th grade. I am convinced he has some combination of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder or a learning disability which has never been diagnosed. He has been in a very limited IEP program, mainly to help him in math. He has trouble applying himself in school and says he is "dumb." He complains that school is boring. I believe it's because he has trouble understanding, and he often either forgets to do his homework or rushes to get it over with. He also fears trying to do things because he might fail.

Our daughter (his mother) is ignorant and does not take any advice or suggestions. She works part-time and spends the remainder of her time playing computer games. Our son-in-law is an alcoholic. The two have a poor relationship with each other and often yell and engage in name-calling. Our grandson, who is afraid to sleep by himself in his own room, is allowed by his mother to sleep with her in her bed or on the sofa with his dad where he normally sleeps.

It's hard for me as a grandmother to watch this going on. Do you have any suggestions as to how I can get through to my daughter?
Updated: Wed Feb 24, 2016

Q: Our daughter and son-in-law, who live in another state, are "raising" their only child, our only grandchild. He is a bright, sweet and sensitive 11-year-old who plays hockey and baseball and loves nature, but struggles in school. He is in 6th grade. I am convinced he has some combination of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder or a learning disability which has never been diagnosed. He has been in a very limited IEP program, mainly to help him in math. He has trouble applying himself in school and says he is "dumb." He complains that school is boring. I believe it's because he has trouble understanding, and he often either forgets to do his homework or rushes to get it over with. He also fears trying to do things because he might fail.

Our daughter (his mother) is ignorant and does not take any advice or suggestions. She works part-time and spends the remainder of her time playing computer games. Our son-in-law is an alcoholic. The two have a poor relationship with each other and often yell and engage in name-calling. Our grandson, who is afraid to sleep by himself in his own room, is allowed by his mother to sleep with her in her bed or on the sofa with his dad where he normally sleeps.

It's hard for me as a grandmother to watch this going on. Do you have any suggestions as to how I can get through to my daughter?

A: You aren't the first grandmother who has been disappointed at how her grandchild, in another generation, is being raised. Your observations are undoubtedly even more troubling because your child was, and your grandchild is, an only child. There is significantly more pressure and more loneliness for parents of only children, as there also is for the only child. Nevertheless, many only children grow up to be successful and happy.

Although you are severely critical of your daughter and her husband, and their marriage does sound very troubled, you have given many wonderful descriptors of your grandson. Therefore, his parents can't be total failures, and they're probably doing pretty good parenting in some areas.

Your descriptions related to your grandson's school performance fit with the characteristics of underachievement. While it's possible that you are correct about his learning disabilities or ADHD, underachievement can occur even without these disabilities. If he has an Individual Educational Plan, the school has no doubt evaluated him, so perhaps your daughter isn't sharing the findings with you because she fears your criticism. I'm sure you feel like you're "between a rock and a hard place." The fact that you say your daughter won't take your advice means that you have given it — no doubt unrequested. Most parents don't welcome unsolicited advice from their own parents. Consider that your daughter may be hearing your advice, following up, but just not acknowledging it to you. If you remember when you were a young mother, you may have done the same with your own mother.

Many families come to my clinic for further help after reading my book, "Why Bright Kids Get Poor Grades and What You Can Do About It" (Great Potential Press, 2008). I follow up with a psycho-educational evaluation and recommendations to the parents and school. The book, even without clinic intervention, can be successful for reversal of underachievement for some children, but some do need further assistance. You could start by sending a copy of the book or, if you're hesitant about the purchase, you could go to my website (www.sylviarimm.com) and download free of charge the parenting articles that refer to underachievement and at least start your daughter thinking about her son's problem in a different way.

There are also many positive ways you can help your grandson when you are with him by encouraging a positive work ethic, modeling an interest in learning, and supporting him in his own interests. A young man who loves sports as he seems to do can be very competitive. He might feel like a "loser" in school, but truly, participation in sports has many practical applications such as the importance of diligent practice, and you may be able to subtly point that out to him.

For free newsletters entitled Bright Kids, Poor Grades: And What You Can Do About It, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Dos and Don'ts of Grandparenting, Only Children, and/or How Sports Can Help Your Children Achieve, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.