Promiscuous Neighbors and Occasional Formula Feeding

Catherine Pearlman
Fri, 04 May 2018 21:00:00 -0700
Lifestyle

Dear Family Coach: My next-door neighbor is a single mom who works long hours. Her 13- and 15-year-old daughters are often alone. They are good kids. But I see random boys coming and going a lot, and I'm worried the girls are making bad choices. I'd like to tell the mom she needs to work less so she doesn't leave them alone as much. How can I say this gently? — Concerned Neighbor

Dear Neighbor: I have to assume this mom is working long hours because she has no other choice. She might not be getting child support from the children's father. She may have medical bills or extensive debt that must be paid. It doesn't really matter. The point is that Mom is working her tail off and raising two girls on her own.
Updated: Sat May 05, 2018

Dear Family Coach: My next-door neighbor is a single mom who works long hours. Her 13- and 15-year-old daughters are often alone. They are good kids. But I see random boys coming and going a lot, and I'm worried the girls are making bad choices. I'd like to tell the mom she needs to work less so she doesn't leave them alone as much. How can I say this gently? — Concerned Neighbor

Dear Neighbor: I have to assume this mom is working long hours because she has no other choice. She might not be getting child support from the children's father. She may have medical bills or extensive debt that must be paid. It doesn't really matter. The point is that Mom is working her tail off and raising two girls on her own.

From the tone of your question, it seems as if you want to instruct this mom rather than try to help her. That's the wrong approach. No mom wants to have a pesky neighbor ringing the bell to offer unsolicited parenting advice. The mom who is working like a dog and doing the best she can really, truly doesn't want to hear it.

I firmly believe it takes a village to raise children. Even in two-parent households, there's enough work for many more adults. In the case of a single mom, the support is even more important. So, instead of informing your neighbor that she needs to work less (which is likely not even possible), offer your support instead. Let her know that you worry about the girls, and ask if there is anything you could do to help. Make sure to show honest empathy instead of judgment, and remember to be that village.

Dear Family Coach: I am not a huge fan of breastfeeding. I do it for my baby because I know it is good for him. But in order to save my sanity, my partner and I agreed to offer the baby one to two bottles of formula a day. He happily takes the breast or bottle. The problem is my partner's mother does not agree with our choice to supplement with the bottle. She expresses her distain often, and it is really starting to affect me. I don't want to give in to her, but I also don't know how to stay strong. Help! — Exhausted New Mama

Dear New Mama: OK, here's your pep talk: This is your baby. As long as you aren't neglectful or abusive, you and your partner get to decide how to raise your child. There will be loads of advice along the way. Some opinions might be helpful. Other opinions might be, um, not so helpful. Over time it will get easier to make these decisions independently. But in the beginning, when you are exhausted and just trying to get through each day, it can be overwhelming to stand your ground.

Your partner's mother is sure she is right about how to feed your baby. And she is probably genuinely trying to help, although she may have a funny way of showing it. So, whenever she offers her thoughts on feeding or anything else, simply thank her for sharing her ideas. Let her know you value her opinion and you do consider her thoughts. Make sure you aren't snarky. The goal is to make her feel heard and useful while still doing what works best for you. If all else fails, use the bottle when she isn't around.